Getting Past No

We've all had the experience of having to deal with 'impossible' people - whether it's somebody who won't listen, or constantly interrupts, or throws a tantrum in order to get their way, or says 'take it or leave it', or threatens or just walks away... Under stress, even normally reasonable people can become angry, intractible opponents.

Ideally you would want to engage in a rational solution-focused conversation. But what if the other person simply won't co-operate? How do you get past No?

Understanding what lies behind the 'no'

In order to get past 'no', Ury says that we have to understand what lies behind it, to get to the underlying motivation for their difficult behaviour. This may be fear, anger, distrust or ignorance of any alternative way of engaging. Whatever the reason, in order for you to succeed you have to get beyond the obstacles and your reaction to them.

Five steps to getting past 'no'

Ury identifies 5 key steps to get beyond intractible communication.

1. Don't react - instead take time out and concentrate on controlling your own emotional response to the other person's behaviour and staying focused on what you want to achieve. Reacting only strengthens their hand so keep cool.
2. Disarm your opponent - this means helping them too to regain their emotional equilibrium by listening, demonstrating that you want to understand them and acknowledging them and their point of view. Say 'yes and...' rather than 'yes but...'
3. Reframe - don't reject what they're saying, rather reframe the conversation in terms of interests rather than positions. Ask problem-solving questions such as 'why' and 'what if'.
4. Build a golden bridge - make it easy for them to say yes by helping them to save face, taking it gently and involving them in finding a solution, asking them questions, inviting constructive criticism and offering them a choice.
5. Make it hard for them to say no - don't escalate matters; instead aim to achieve understanding of why getting to yes is in the best interests of all concerned, aiming for mutual satisfaction rather than victory. Ury calls this 'bringing them to their senses, not to their knees'.

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret."