The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well ... (Even when it's off-base, unfair, poorly delivered and, frankly, you're not in the mood!)
Feedback is crucial for performance enhancement. Yet in most organisations, giving/receiving feedback is either not prioritised or is actively dreaded. Appraisals are notoriously undervalued and having difficult feedback conversations is often avoided.
And if giving feedback well is a skill lacking in many, receiving feedback is something that most struggle with, however well they hide it! A critical performance review, a well-intended suggestion, or an oblique comment that may or may not even be feedback (“Well, your presentation was certainly interesting”) can spark an emotional reaction, inject tension into the relationship, and bring communication to a halt.
Why is receiving feedback so hard?
Often the positive intention in feedback doesn't register because it strikes at the tension between two deep needs we have; to learn & grow and to be accepted as we are. The authors identify three key triggers that push our emotional buttons:
- truth triggers - where we feel wronged or exasperated by the content of what's been said ("that just isn't true!")
- relationship triggers - where we feel outraged that someone without credibility has dared to challenge us ("after all I've done for him!")
- identity triggers - where our sense of self is devastated and we feel defensive and overwhelmed by the perceived attack at the heart of our identity ("flooded with shame, as if I’m Googling ‘things wrong with me’ and getting 1.2 million hits, with sponsored ads from my father and my ex!")
6 steps to receiving feedback well
The authors identify 6 things you can do to stop you dismissing valuable feedback or, just as damaging, accepting and acting on comments that you would be better off disregarding. If you’re determined to learn from whatever feedback you get, no one can stop you!
- Know your tendencies. By recognising your default pattern (e.g. dismissal, tearful collapse, smile bravely but dissolve inside, accept intellectually but do nothing to change), you can then choose to go beyond it.
- Disentangle the 'what' from the 'who'. Separate the message from the messenger and then consider both.
- Take a coaching perspective. When a trigger is fired, we tend to assume the worst. Instead, work to hear feedback as potentially valuable advice from a fresh perspective rather than as an indictment.
- Unpack the feedback. When you set aside snap judgments and take time to explore where feedback is coming from and where it’s going, you can enter into a rich, informative conversation about your performance, whether you then decide to take the advice or not.
- Ask for just one thing. Feedback is less likely to set off your emotional triggers if you request it and direct it. It also creates a positive impression. So when you specifically ask for feedback, you not only find out how others see you, you also influence how they perceive you.
- Engage in small experiments. If you're not sure, test it out and calibrate to the results.
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions"Ken Blanchard