It's widely acknowledged that the ability to listen well is essential for effective leadership. Yet it's also remarkable how many people pay lip service to this without actually reflecting on their own listening skills, noticing instead how poor others are at listening to them!
We've all had the experience of speaking with somebody whose attention is clearly not on what we're saying, and recognise the effect it has on us, our morale and confidence. But how often do we catch our own attention drifting when somebody else is speaking, interrupting without letting them finish or thinking instead of what we're going to say next.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood
Steven Covey identifies listening as one of the essential habits of highly successful people. He recognises that most people seek first to be understood, to get their point across, because few are trained really to listen. Even after training, without vigilance many people's listening is selective, with attention mostly on rehearsing what they're going to say next and filtering what is being said against their own life experiences or opinions.
Because of this, Covey suggests that people who listen with self reference tend to respond in one of four limiting ways:
- Evaluating: judging and then either agreeing or disagreeing
- Probing: asking questions from your own point of reference
- Advising: giving advice or suggestions from your own experience
- Interpreting: analysing others' motives and behaviours from your own perspective
By contrast to self referenced listening, Covey recommends empathic listening - which has nothing to do with sympathy, and everything to do with listening with the pure intent to understand.
Listening is about respect
Ultimately listening well is about respect and therefore has a powerful effect on whether someone feels valued. People remember and respond to how others make them feel. A manager or colleague who really listens with a view to fully understanding will influence morale and motivation far more powerfully and positively than one who does not.
And remember, listening is not passive and respect does not necessarily mean agreement. You might disagree with what is being said, but you need first to fully understand through active engagement and genuine attention.
So how can you become a better listener?
- Choose to listen - be present to the conversation and give the other person your full attention with respect and openness, concentrating on what they're saying rather than the style of delivery or what you think of what they're saying.
- Reflect back what you've understood - test your understanding of what you've heard by reflecting or restating back to the speaker to ensure you've understood correctly.
- Open the lines of communication - make it comfortable for people to say everything they want to say, making sure they feel safe to open up. Give them time and space to think and elaborate so that you are both clear as to what is being communicated.
- Empathise - if there is emotion in what is being said, acknowledge it: for example, 'it seems like that upset you - is there something more you want to say about it?'
"No man ever listened himself out of a job."Calvin Coolidge