Conversation Transformation

Recognise and Overcome the 6 Most Destructive Communication Patterns

This book is for anyone who wants to communicate more effectively. The concepts outlined in it are designed to help people be heard and also to recognise when a conversation is going off track and what to do about it.

The real reason why conversations fail

The authors say that the usual suspects that are blamed when a conversation goes wrong are either:

• The people - difficult personalities, emotional states or motivations; or
• The topic - touchy issues or irreconcilable differences

In fact, say the authors, the real culprit is neither of these. The real reason conversations fail is down to the communication behaviours involved - i.e. the specific combinations of words and voice tones people are using.

The 6 most problematic communication behaviours

So what are some examples of destructive communication behaviours? The book highlights the six most common:

1. Yes buts - token agreement followed immediately by an opposing view
2. Mind reads - assumptions about somebody else's thoughts or feelings, presented as fact
3. Negative predictions - negative speculation about the future, presented as a fact
4. Leading questions - questions that make it obvious what the 'right' answer is supposed to be
5. Complaints - frustrated, whining or resentful comments implying that people or circumstances are unfair
6. Attacks - venting of strong negative feelings in a hostile or blaming way

Can conversations be saved?

The authors optimistically say that some of the most transformative and positive conversations start out with whining complaints, defensiveness or snide comments. What matters is that somebody takes the initiative to do something different.

We can all learn how to improve our communication merely by changing what and how we say things. The simple three step learning approach the authors suggest is:

1. Awareness - Seeing the way out of your rut through realisation, attention and observation
2. Action - Getting into a new groove by substituting a new behaviour for an old one
3. Practice - Staying in the groove by using behaviours that are rewarding, intensive and incremental

"Human behaviour flows from three main sources:
desire, emotion and knowledge."